December 10, 2005
31 things about the neighbor who fucks too much
1 - You and your live-in girlfriend are pretty high on your sexual high-horses until you realize that in the loft next door is one of those neighbors who fucks too much.
2 - You figure you and your lady have a sex life that is the cat's pajamas until you start keeping tabs on the neighbor who fucks too much.
3 - It's a little embarrassing riding the elevator with a neighbor who fucks too much just after she's been, like, fucking.
4 - It's a little annoying when one of the many guys the neighbor who fucks too much is fucking knocks on your door at 2 am. Coming or going, you wonder. He is drunk enough to be either.
5 - You are grudgingly impressed that anyone that drunk is able to fuck a neighbor who fucks too much.
6 - The neighbor who fucks too much is white. You are not. You want to make something out of that fact, but keep coming up dry.
7 - A neighbor who fucks too much is disquieting. She keeps her windows too open for December in LA.
8 - The neighbor who fucks too much is, like you, unbounded by normal clock time and so soon starts invading your late night writing oasis. Usually DSL and pROn are your biggest nemeses at that hour, sneaking into your apartment on a wire and then launching an offensive via the closest unguarded eye, but now the neighbor who fucks too much is bringing the ruckus through your earhole. At that hour your ears are always open, alternately eager for silence and streams, and her attack strikes you as a Wrath of Khan-type maneuver. Montalbanian. Could she be trying to control your mind? Is her orgasm an invisible, burrowing wig?
9 - The neighbor who fucks too much makes you 10 again in the middle of the night, except you do not have to hide in the bathroom to call the 976 number. There is no undoing on its way to your parents in the mail with the monthly bills. You are a grown man after all.
10 - You and your girlfriend thought it was funny that time your IPod started whispering "hey bitch, wait'll you see my dick" while the neighbor who fucks too much was fucking. It's the only time your girlfriend ever laughs at the Ying Yang Twins.
11 - You make a playlist for the neighbor who fucks to much. It includes Cody Chestnutt, the Detroit Grand Pubahs, Dj Assault, Peaches, the Fat Truckers, The Ying Yang Twins, Fannypack, Missy Elliot, Luke, David Banner, Lil Louis, Akinyele, screwed and chopped Khia, and Kool Keith, shuffled and in no particular order.
12 - The neighbor who fucks too much has stupidly gynormous, theatrical orgasms. You think: liar who fucks too much. You think: or not?
13 - It really has to be on purpose. She is just too damned loud.
14 - On days your girlfriend seems porn friendly, you tell her the neighbor who fucks too much sounds like a bad porn actress. On days your girlfriend seems porn unfriendly, you tell her the neighbor who fucks too much sounds like a sick cat.
15 - It turns out that neighbor who fucks too much has an awful singing voice. She sings Carly Simon tunes while she fries eggs, feeding her partners at all hours. You pat yourself on the back for your endless ability to be surprised by human vagary.
16 - As far as you can tell, the drag queen neighbor in the other loft doesn't fuck at all, until the day he does and roars like a Broadway lion. It makes you smile and blush the next time you see him. You pat yourself on the back for your endless ability to be surprised by human vagary.
17 - It's a good idea to wait until (at least) two hours after the neighbor who fucks too much has finished fucking before trying to initiate any sex of your own.
18 - If the neighbor who fucks too much starts fucking while you're fucking, try not to lose focus and possible wood by debating (internally) whether or not you should stop.
19 - There is no competition with a neighbor who fucks too much. (Is there?)
20 - If you and the neighbor who fucks too much are fucking at the same time, avoid any and all appearance that you are indulging yourself in any kind of aural transposition or fantasy. Vary your stroke to put the neighbor who fucks too much outside your circle of intimacy. If her bed is creaking, switch to cunnilingus.
21 - If the addicts in the alley are shouting loud enough to give the neighbor who fucks too much pause, they are shouting loud enough for you to get involved, at the very least by calling the police.
22 - The neighbor who fucks too much has a strange ability to make your fucking quieter. It's not so much that you are listening, but ashamed. You wonder why.
23 - You swear for a week or two that the neighbor who fucks too much just has to be some kind of call girl. Thinking that the economies of scale at play next door are market-driven seems like a good way to maintain an upper hand, but after that every time you see her the slander shames you.
24 - You have a sneaking suspicion that the neighbors at the far end of the hall are trying to figure out if you and your girlfriend are the ones who are fucking too much.
25 - The neighbor who fucks too much went from dead silence to 3, 4 times a day just like that. You wonder if she was listening to you and your girlfriend all those months. And if so, how would she rate the two of you?
26 - Is it cheating if you started masturbating BEFORE the neighbor who fucks too much started fucking?
27 - None of the neighbor-who-fucks-too-much's partners make a sound while fucking her. They just smoke on the common patio before and after, use their cellphones. Their calls reference proclivities and interests that strike you as gay, either that or they all work as low-level assistants in Hollywood. You don't share any thoughts about their banalities with your lady love, as these thoughts reek of comparison and transference.
28 - You have a long, difficult conversation with yourself about whether or not you want to fuck the neighbor who fucks too much. You realize with some relief that this is a question that can be abstracted and generalized out of existence, in so much as it can be legitimately asked about just any porn star or stripper you have ever seen. Your girlfriend, who you love because her timing is so perfect, decides about then that they are making porn next door. It helps your girlfriend forgive the neighbor who fucks too much. Everyone has got to make a buck, she figures.
29 - The neighbor who fucks too much keeps a dirtier apartment than you do just like your girlfriend expected her to. Go figure.
30 - The neighbor who fucks too much often wakes the cat, who thinks it's morning and wants to be fed. He curls up like a kitten in the crook of your arm once he's full, leaving you awake in the dark, alone with the world. You wonder if this is what fatherhood feels like.
31 - If you lay bed awake, saying nothing to your girlfriend while the neighbor who fucks too much fucks, you and girlfriend will drift slightly apart the next day. If you grin at your girlfriend in the dark and say "she sure does fuck a lot" you will drift slightly closer together. This ebb and flow is wholly you and your lady's, and its rhythm in no way reminds you of the neighbor who fucks too much. You are grateful.
My cat gets on the bed and raises her heiney in the air, as if to say "I got next." As time passes and her love goes unrequited, she farts loudly and settles in to watch, seething, from the furthest left corner.
I'm no romantic to begin with, but the cat fart has has been known to break the mood.
Loft life is grand, as the ceilings are so high . . . but the walls are far too often:
So. Fucking. Thin.
This entry is awesome. The prose is flowing. You must be eating your Wheaties.
Posted by: the izza at December 12, 2005 12:56 PM
a classic. let the meming begin!
Posted by: durf at December 14, 2005 7:18 AM
Thirty one ?
You got to m*ther-f*cking thirty-one.
Prodigious ! (or as some have said, inspired)
Posted by: ch2 at December 14, 2005 9:00 PM
Gold. We have a similar situation although the fucking frequency is lower. I have heard the woman upstairs fucking twice. Problem is, she makes long tantric love and her boyfriend (I've been in the lift with this little dude and admire his endurance) also gets involved with a low counterpoint grunting. A couple of times I thought they arrived at climax and yet I was mistaken. I could also hear the changing of sexual position and the sound of the bed banging against the wall. I disagree with waiting for a couple of hours after hearing the neighbour fucking. It was a couple of days before I could do anything with my live-in girlfriend because the performance upstairs lasted like 50 minutes and I had to work through inadequacy issues. Shit.
Posted by: Chris at December 15, 2005 3:20 AM
Wow. Reading this over a year since it was originally posted (and on my mom's birthday, no less!) I am just amazed at you.
Ps: I used to be a neighbor who fucks too much.
But I'm not that person anymore.
Posted by: kactus at December 14, 2006 2:00 PM
i know this was posted over a year ago, but i found it about three months ago, and have revisited a handful of times since to reread, laugh, and laugh again. its genius. thank you.
Posted by: juliette at February 24, 2007 12:01 PM