ebogjonson.com

The A-List: 10.17.03

This week on the A-List:

1. Kobe: Quick and Dirty Sex Lives of the Rich and Famous
Decent people can legitimately disagree about Kobe Bryant's guilt or innocence, about his moral fiber, his ignored marital vows and his childish, vacant approach to anything that isn't basketball related, but as the Kobe Rape Trial Circus officially set up shop court-side (that's the judge kind of court) one fact has surfaced on which we can all agree: Bryant's lawyers -- Pamela Mackey and Hal Haddon -- are clearly the best bottom feeders money could buy. Setting a combative and ugly tone early by repeatedly using the accuser's name in court, Bryant's lawyers have responded to the awful crux of the accuser's testimony -- five tear-filled, non-consensual minutes bent over a chair, a hand around the throat -- with attack-dog cross examinations, innuendos about her "excitement" at meeting the Lakers star (translation: she wanted it) and the legally irrelevant bombshell that she arrived at the hospital for medical examination wearing a white male's semen and pubic hair. (Note to Mackey and Haddon: the fact that someone is sexually active doesn't make it "impossible" for them to have been raped.)

While the testimony being offered up by both the prosecution and the defense makes for powerfully tawdry headlines, it's most valuable as the next round of salvos in the already declared public relations war. Kobe, of course, has powerful weapons he can bring to bear in hopes of winning public opinion: fame, good looks, a pretty and publicly supportive spouse, another contending Lakers team to keep the focus on what we used to like about him, and, of course, gobs and gobs and gobs of money. If anything, the moves laid down by Team Bryant this week in Colorado tell us much more about what it means to live in KobeWorld than it does about the events of June 30, Bryant inhabiting the kind of personal reality where lawyers boldly risk contempt charges secure in the knowledge that their boss's deep pockets will see them through, and where the moral tarnishes of adultery and victim-bashing can be washed off as long as there are more highlights on ESPN, more wins and more championships coming. If you had any doubt that Team Bryant would do anything to ensure the star player keeps playing (and in so doing, keeps earning) they should have been erased by the performance of Mackey and Haddon last week. In KobeWorld the only thing that matters, that has ever mattered, is basketball, common decency be damned.

And does the accuser's story tell us anything about KobeWorld? At the risk of sounding as if we doubt her story (and let us say upfront: the A-List has an admittedly kneejerk pre-disposition to believe the accuser), the saddest thing about her description of the events of June 30 may just be that, with the exception of the tears and the "no's", little went on that should shock anyone familiar with the sex lives of the male, famous and groupie-rich. While the common fantasy about fame is that one of its perks is a plenitude of mind-blowingly great sex, any woman (or man, for that matter) who has gone through a raging groupie phase can tell you that you don't rack up 20,000 sexual partners by wasting too much time seeing to their sexual satisfaction. Taken as a whole, the graphic details that the press has seized upon -- the ignored bed, the duration of encounter, the position, the obscene self-involvement of Kobe's pillow talk ("I love Vail!"), the casual post-encounter demand that the accuser clean up and get out -- give us very little definitive sense of Bryant's guilt or innocence, but broken down into pieces they are the primal constituent elements of classic groupie sex, that numbers-based encounter where instead of intimacy, connection, and exchange, there is only the tabulation of two parallel but disparate totals: total ballers bedded down vs. total groupies. In much the same way that the accuser's sexual habits have no bearing on whether she was raped, Bryant's proclivities have little bearing on whether or not he is a rapist, as both stories should be judged on the basis of real, preferably physical, evidence. Still, we can't help but wonder how many girls there are in KobeWorld (and in RapperWorld and DirectorWorld and ActorWorld and SingerWorld) who are reading the papers and thinking: Now that reminds me of the night so-and-so was in town...

2. Justice: High Court, Weighty Issues
Pro-pot, agnostic on God, and concerned about the free speech rights of internet porn peddlers: for once, the Supreme Court is on exactly the same page as the A-List! The Court, which began its yearly session last week, declined to overturn a ruling by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals (the notorious SF-based left-leaning appeals court that earlier this year threw our more than 100 death sentences) that allows doctors to tell their patients about the medical benefits of marijuana. This is a victory for the free speech rights of medical professionals, the pain maintenance of those battling cancer, AIDS and other illnesses, and the general sanity of the nation -- thank God we seem to have left "just say no" back in the vault of '80s trivia, where it belongs. Speaking of God, when is it legal to do so, and when does the public invocation imply an illegal coercion? That's another case the Court will take on this year, specifically centering on whether public schools that begin the day with the Pledge of Allegiance ("...one nation, under God...") are themselves commiting the unconstitutional act of establishing a state religion. This one, too, comes to us from the 9th Circuit, which ruled along the same lines you might expect -- it said, in a 2002 decision, that the words "under God" do in effect cross the line, entangling the state in the religious life of its people in a way that violates the first amendment. The Court, which itself begins each session with an invocation, has never before tackled this issue head on, and this year may also sidestep it, as a 4-4 tie is not unlikely -- Justice Antonin Scalia having recused himself for speaking publicly (and volubly) on the issue. However, the tie in this case would go to the runner -- ie, the 9th Circuit's ruling. For the A-List, whose completely neutral memories of reciting the pledge butt up against an icky feeling about the whole enterprise -- the mass recitation, the groupthink implied by it, the false air of weighty history assumed by a clause added in 1954 -- the whole thing ought to be moot. Reciting the pledge of allegiance ought to be an opt-in, like prayer circles or boy scouts, or any other not-quite-nonpartisan activity. We shouldn't be in the business of forcing schoolchidlren to take a loyalty oath, God-reference or no.

And on to porn. Overturned, upheld, revisted -- such is the history of the Child Online Protection Act, an as-yet unenforced 1998 law meant to shield kids and others in public places from accidentally clicking on innocent-looking teasers and inadvertently falling into one of those endless, Alice-down-the-rabbit-hole-like porn loops. The ACLU has always opposed it, as have nearly all librarians out there -- the filters block more than porn, they block educational and even life-saving resources about things like breast cancer and STDs -- and we can't really tell who's for it. It is unenforceable and totally technologically illiterate. The good news, family-values-wise? It turns out the only thing that can protect kids from online ugliness is -- get this -- parental supervision. Which, in a shocking turn of events, the A-List is for.

3. Sniper: John Muhammad Pleads Not Guilty
As jury selection continues for the trial of John Muhammad, the elder of the two DC sniper suspects, Muhammad entered a plea earlier this week of not guilty. He's being tried in Virginia, in a trial moved down to ultraconservative Virginia Beach, for just one of the murders (out of a total of ten). Next month his alleged prot�g�, Lee Boyd Malvo, goes on trial in nearby Chesapeake, Virginia. The A-List knows our journalistic cousin, Jayson Blair, found these characters compelling and even sympathetic -- it was the sniper story, after all, that finally exposed his ethical lapses, and it was to the sniper story that he drew comparisons in attempting to describe how angry and destructive he felt while working at the Times -- but we can't really agree. The snipers' victims were black, white and other, and more than a few of them could have been our real cousins. So, while we feel some empathy for the possibly brainwashed kid, Malvo, we have nothing in our hearts but contempt for Muhammad, a toxic daddy figure who offloaded trigger duties to avoid legal responsibility for the senseless murders he planned.

4. History: Honoring York
If history isn't history until it's memorialized in a way gradeschoolers can digest, then chalk up a history-making moment in Louisville, Kentucky. This week the city honored York -- a one-named wonder, like Cher and Prince -- the African American who accompanied Lewis and Clark on their famed expedition to map the Louisiana Territory back in 1803. To celebrate the bicentenniel of that journey, Louisville erected a larger-than-life statue of native son York, who went along as Clark's slave but by all acounts acted as a "full partner" in the exploration. Although not quite as big as the statue, which stands 8 feet tall and weighs 1500 pounds, the historical York was reportedly tall and well-built -- his body a source of fascination to the Native Americans they encountered along the way -- and even bigger in significance. Clark freed York in 1815, an action that one of the statue's crew describes as "a seed of freedom that took root."

5. NBA: Manute Bol To Become The World's Tallest Jockey?!
After The A-List saw Manute Bol box William "The Refrigerator" Perry, our favorite G.I. Joe figure (Remember his weapon? The swinging football?), we thought it couldn't get much better than that. A 7'7" African giant going against a 400-plus pound immovable object -- classic! -- and doubly so because the money all went to Manute's Ring True Foundation charity. Truth be told, the charity factor kept Bol from tying with Cuba Gooding for the A-List's Coon of the Century contest, but as Africa is plagued with problems that are never an international concern until someone says "terrorists!" we were glad for the chance to do good and make fun at the same time.

It seems that Manute's still at it. This weekend Bol is slated to become the tallest horse jockey in history when he races at Anderson, Indiana's Hoosier Park. Again, the proceeds will go to charity. And again, the A-List will find a way to behold this classic sight. But while Manute's intentions are honorable, isn't this all starting to parallel old school freakshows a little too closely? Will his legacy be his NBA career, these stunts or how the money was used? The A-List, hopes, no we pray, that it's a combination of the last two. (But if it isn't, we suggest the next stunt have something to do with our favorite new spectacle: Slamball. Now that is a freakshow!

6. Hollywood: Vivica Fox Most Ghetto Woman in America
Behind every strong man is a woman -- with her foot up his ass, or so thinks the A-List after hearing that 50 Cent changed the staging of a performance in order to satisfy his new woman, Kill Bill cannon fodder Vivica Fox. The A-List has seen 50 with the jewels on screen plenty of times, but looks like the world is finding out who really wears them. The word on the street is that right before 50 went on stage to perform at the World Music Awards, Vivica laid down the law: no female dancers were to be up on stage touching her man, no no no NEVER. (Obviously she hasn't seen this). Initial phases of this negotiation took place in public, but Vivica then took 50 to a dressing room for a more thorough tongue lashing, after which he stormed onto the stage, where he dodged women a lot better than he does bullets. As love oriented as the A-List is, we refuse to use this incident to support The Source's claims that 50 Cent is less a man than he seems. Instead, we'll use his decision (and that of nearly every heavy weight rapper) to boycott and demean The Source Awards as evidence of his being real gangsta. As we learned from Elliot Wilson, speaking out against The Source is a surefire way to test your might.

7. Liberia: Businessman Sworn In
The A-List is proud to have participated in a campaign for Africa that is showing immediate results! With the installation of nonpartisan businessman, Gyude (pronounced Joo-deh) Bryant as Liberia's interim leader this week, signs of peace and stability are finally appearing in the offing. Following nearly 14 years of death, destruction, civil disorder and dictator Charles Taylor's corrupt and murderous regime, the sense of pessimism that paralyzed the hopes of Liberians at home and abroad is making way for a more hopeful, while still guardedly optimistic, view of the country's future. With over 25,000 ex-combatants running around the country (some of them still armed and 70% of them child soldiers), shortages on food and medicine and still no electricity or running water, the return to normalcy, let alone prosperity, is some time away. But Bryant's inauguration is encouraging.

8. Religion: Prince in the Kingdom (Hall)
Let's not go crazy, but imagine this please: It's Saturday morning, you just made it through one of the toughest work weeks ever and you're still paying for that final drink you forced down just before last call in a desperate attempt to party it up Friday night. You're trying to catch up on some zzzz's and beat that throbbing hangover when the buzz of the doorbell at 9 a.m. startles you out of your sweetest moment of REM sleep. You make it to the door and there before you stands -- can it be!? -- Prince, all shiny and little and spectacled and ruffled and sexy. Is Prince here to take you away to Paisley Park? No. Did he discover your old demo album in the trash and decide to cover your forgotten ode to teenaged love? Uh-uh. Is there some freaky-ass all night party going down next door that he's been attending and now here he is at your house looking to borrow some ice? Nope. What his Purple Majesty is doing is trying to give you a copy of The Watchtower. Yeah, we can't believe it either, but apparently the residents of the Minneapolis suburb of Eden Prairie have experienced exactly what we described. Prince (yes, that Prince, folks. For real!) has apparently become newly spiritually activated and has launched an new phase of his multi-phase life as a Jehovah's Witness. Serious and dedicated man that he is, Prince is driving (albeit sans little red corvette) door-to-door evangelizing. According to reports, Prince has become so saved and sanctified he has banned 50 explicit songs from his touring playlist since his spiritual renewal. Now, If Prince's religious rebirth ain't a shockadelic sign o' the times, we don't know what is, but until the old Prince comes back, he had better stay away from our house in the morning.

9. Baseball: What the A-List Did During the War
bomani (7:36:49 PM): not at a pub watchin the game?
the A-List (7:36:54 PM): soon
the A-List (7:37:11 PM): gotta finish writing the column before I can raise my voice for my yankees from within this awful red sox hell!
bomani (7:37:36 PM): you're rooting for the empire....?! you new yorkers don't give a damn about the rest of our needs.
bomani (7:37:51 PM): can't root against the lil guy with the jheri curl!
bomani (7:42:00 PM): you're a brooklynite, right?
the A-List (7:47:34 PM): i grew up in Queens as a mets hater
the A-List (7:48:05 PM): when I was a kid in catholic school, mets fans were these racist irish and italian kids from Astoria, which is a very good analogue of your average red sox fan, hence my hatred of them too
bomani (7:48:23 PM): lol...completely understood.
the A-List (7:48:25 PM): the empire may be evil, but it had reggie jackson
bomani (7:48:36 PM): i've always hated everything boston...but i love pedro and manny.
bomani (7:49:02 PM): but no self-respecting southerner can love your wing of the empire...the wing of the empire - AOLTW - that cuts me checks is just barely cool enough to evade persecution.
the A-List (7:49:23 PM): I just can't stand these so called "blue collar" teams. that always sounds like media shorthand for angry white working class
the A-List (7:49:24 PM): lol
bomani (7:49:44 PM): and yes, "blue collar" is slang for angry white folks.
bomani (7:50:03 PM): i just have the pain of being a braves fan, also owned by that check-cutting wing of the empire.
the A-List (7:54:46 PM): i feel your braves pain
bomani (7:55:00 PM): i blame jim leyritz for everything.
the A-List (7:55:04 PM): it's sad that they will never get the credit they deserve because of the lack of rings
the A-List (7:55:14 PM): and i don't say that in a mean way!
the A-List (7:55:21 PM): i say it in a compassionate way
the A-List (7:55:38 PM): as someone whose team could easily spare a ring or two
the A-List (7:55:41 PM): O:-)
bomani (7:55:51 PM): yeah, but all that bad karma will come back...god don't like ugly.
the A-List (7:55:59 PM): true
the A-List (7:56:40 PM): but when it comes to sports, I'm a republican. why worry about tomorrow? I mean, absent biblical proofs we don't even know for sure that earth is round, so you can't really prove that tomorrow is coming
bomani (7:57:10 PM): lol...can't blame you for that one.
the A-List (7:57:30 PM): hey, can i cut this IM convo into the A-List?
bomani (7:57:33 PM): you know, this would be a great installment in "slanted reality," my first column !
bomani (7:57:35 PM): oh. ok feel free.
the A-List (7:57:48 PM): want your IM in it? or another name?
bomani (7:58:17 PM): only if you put yours...
the A-List (7:58:22 PM): lol
the A-List (7:58:24 PM): hell no!
the A-List (7:58:30 PM): it will say "The A-List"
bomani (7:58:35 PM): and i will be "bomani"
the A-List (7:58:44 PM): excellent! Someday you will get that column, man! we promise!
bomani (8:20:34 PM): first pitch is about to be thrown....back in a few.
the A-List (8:21:48 PM): l8r!
Auto response from bomani (8:21:48 PM): *bleep* the evil empire!

10. Religion: John Paul's 25 Years of Silence = More than 20 Million Dead
As the world's Catholics celebrate the silver anniversary of Pope John Paul II's reign, the A-List has a quibble -- okay, more than a quibble. While we're a little afraid God might strike us dead for pointing it out, we can't help noticing that JP2 was first installed the year the AIDS crisis first gained worldwide attention. The death numbers were small then, mostly gay white men (as far as the world knew, anyway). But in the years since then, more than 20 million have died, the majority of them straight men and women in the developing world, especially Africa. There are currently six African nations where HIV rates exceed 20% of adults, many of them parents, a setup that will result in millions of orphans in countries already struggling to provide adequate healthcare and jobs to their youth. While nobody would argue this situation is John Paul's fault, it would be equally foolish to acquit him of any responsibility. This is a man who heads a church that, through its missionary and hospital systems, is by proxy one of the largest healthcare providers in the developing world. One word from John Paul and restrictions in the hardline anti-condom message could have eased, saving who knows how many lives. Silence = death, the ACT-UP posters used to say, and in the case of our lovable old pope, it's all too sadly true.

11. Outrage: Ghettopoly Boarded Up
It's good to know the NAACP roll-up-your-sleeves-and-sign-some-
damn-petitions fervor can still affect change. Largely as a result of unrelenting negative pubilcity, Yahoo has closed the storefront formerly occupied by Ghettopoly, the game the A-List criticized last week for its trafficking in offensive stereotypes. Bravo! Now if only we could end this damn war and get some jobs.

12. Books: Two Black Writers Finalists for National Book Awards
Congratulations Kevin Young and Edward P. Jones! We'll be rooting for you on November 19!

13. And on lucky #13, that's all for this week!
If you like what you read here, forward it. If you think the A-List is a hater, forward it to all your friends and tell them to complain. If you don't understand our sense of humor, send it to every civil rights org in America and demand that they PUT A STOP TO US.

But:

If you want more A-List, come back to www.Africana.com, same A-List time (Friday), same A-List channel! If you want the A-List stopped, come back to Africana, same A-List time (Friday), same A-List channel so that you can collect more information for your anti-A-List prayer circle. No matter what you do, just keep coming back and forwarding those links!

About the Author:All 20,000 of our ex's still love us.